Eddie’s reorg mail

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Note: I wrote this mail after receiving a cascading series of reorganization mails starting from the CEO down to the many levels. I had no team reporting to me and felt left out and so decided to write my own “re-org” mail.

From: Neil Charney 
Sent: Thursday, March 30, 2000 9:58 PM
To: Neil Charney
Subject: A few more changes

Microsoft Confidential

Many of you have already received Steve Ballmer’s email regarding Microsoft’s reorganization directed toward making Windows Next Generation Services (WNGS -pronounced “Wingows”) successful, on our new platform of scaleable, reliable applications and services. Not all of you have received the mail of course, due to some problems with our email platform which IT is currently working on. But eventually, all of you should receive that mail. Or some mail. At some point. Maybe.

In order to accomplish those things that we need to, well, accomplish, I will be making some changes that I think will ultimately yield a stronger, more dependable and scaleable organization within my group, which is now referred to as “Neil’s Group” (NEILSGROUP)

 First, I have decided to move the table in my office to the other side of the room.  While we recognize that this may present some issues for the associated furniture, we fully expect the chairs to continue to report directly to the table in its new position.   Consequently, the whiteboard will take up its new place against the far wall along with its various directs, including Eraser, and  Red and Blue marker.  Green marker will be pursuing other interests and i’m sure you all join me in wishing it the utmost success in its endeavors. 

 It is with mixed emotions that I announce the departure of the filing cabinet from my office.  Over the past 5 years the cabinet has provided valuable support and leadership. There will be a transition period in which the cabinet will assist me in storing various office supplies and SWAG as it looks for new opportunities within the company.  I welcome any input or suggestions since I never quite understood what it was there for in the first place.

 Also, effective immediately, i will constantly refer to myself in the third person and ask that all others now address me as “Eddie”. 

 This is an exciting time for all of us and I’m sure you’ll all join Eddie in the effort that faces us moving forward as we move thru the shadows of darkness up the hill past the valley of discontent, making a left at the pit of despair and walking right up to the mountain of glory.

 If you have any questions, please see your manager or send mail to me.  better yet, send your manager to me.

Eddie

 

The Killer App

2017 -apple announces app to sense when you’ve fallen and calls

2020 -apple introduces the next i watch “killer” app – -“so that just happened” – (or Requ

 

Scientists had believed the brain ceased all activity 30 seconds after the heart stopped pumping blood around the body, and that awareness stopped at the same time. But research from the University of Southampton suggests otherwise. A new study shows people continue experiencing awareness for up to three minutes after death.

Coming to the Apple Store this month -the latest in health technology —called “mylastsong” – an Apple Watch app that, upon sensing the death of it’s wearer, can play a song of your choosing to “Usher you in” to your final resting place (Usher is an primary investor in the application)

No longer do you have to endure the awkward and disconcerting conversations that take place around you (“it’s true-you really do shit your pants when you do that” or ”wow -I hope I don’t look like THAT when I die!” Or even avoid the sound of the current news story playing on tv or radio.

With “my last song”, you can pre-select the song of your choice that will play as you spend your last 3 minutes on earth. We reccomend choosing a song that is greater than 3 minutes since it’s always possible that science has not precisely determined the full extent of the experience.

For an additional purchase (available in app) you can customize activities that will take place upon your death including the clearing of all your browser histories on your computing devices.

Apple will offer a full refund for anyone who is dissatisfied after use.

 

 

 

What’s YOUR father’s “OYPoint?”

I was buying a shirt the other day and as I looked at the price I “heard” a sound –not a real sound but one emanating from an entire generation and now firmly implanted in my brain.  It was my father’s (and his father’s) “Oy” which I first heard while shopping w/ him as a kid.    

 This is his reaction to pretty much anything I talk about buying even when I do the “what you tell your father” discount of reducing the actual price by approximately 50%. This is because my father has established a cost of goods in his head that was set somewhere between 1940 and 1950 and has remained relatively unchanged.  I call this his “Oypoint”

 I think it almost killed him when I took him into a nice clothing store in Cape Cod where the first thing he walked by was a rack of socks for $18.  Next was a t-shirt that cost upwards of $30 (and by $30 I mean $60-even now I can’t tell you the real price). The “Oys” cam in so many successions that people in the store must have assumed a dog had wandered in and was in the process of being abused.

 I quickly ushered him out of the place and sat him on a bench with a $5 hot dog (ok $10 but w/ chips) and vowed never to shop with him again.

 It doesn’t matter. His OyPoint is forever in my head whenever I go to buy something.

 I’m attaching the table he made of his various “OyPoints” and when and how they were set. Note; Ralph Lauren and Whole Foods Stores would be sudden death for the man so I’ve asked others to make sure he never goes in there.

 Please also note my father will not see this posting because his technology “OyPoint” stopped dead at email.

 Evan’s OyPoints

Item	“Oypoint”	“OyPoint” Cause	When Set
Car (used)	$35	Car he bought from Uncle Mike	1952
Car (new)	$1800	First car: VW Bug	1958
Shoes(casual)	$2-$5	Sneakers	1940-50
Shoes (dress)	$12	Cost of Clark Desert boot
House	$22K	His first house	1964*
Dinner for 2 (Date)	$5	1st date at Toffinettes -42nd St. w/ Gail Anderson.Both ordered Salisbury Steak, surprised to be served hamburger.	1949
College (1Yr)	@1K	Cornell tuition $600-1,000	1950-54
Newspaper	10c	Daily News was 3 cents	1940-50
Neck tie	$2	Tie City “no tie over $2”	1952
Repaint car	$29	Earl Scheib “any car any color $29”	?

P.S. Is the post script dead in the post script era?

In my continuing search for metaphors and references that have lost their meaning –or more importantly, behaviors and terms rooted in a bygone era, P.S. is now on my hit list.  I realized this as I was typing an email, typed my closing (“thanks, Neil) and added the following:

P.S. Call my cell if there’s a last-minute change

Right after I wrote “P.S.” (and struggled w/ the issue around punctuation of periods) I realized that I should really just cut and paste that line into the body of the note. Literally (or figuratively) –the whole point of “post script” was “after the writing” or after the script, since it was far easier to provide the quick addendum v. going back and re-writing the entire letter (by hand or typewriter).

In the “Post Script” era of word processing and cut/paste it really just comes off as sloppy writing or an afterthought. Or does it serve some sort of rhetorical purpose (writorical?) My daughter Charlotte (the true test of relevancy in the digital era) said she still uses “P.S” but more for tone –a way of calling attention to something or providing it as a true “afterthought.”   Perhaps we should now start writing (typing? texting?) “A.T.” instead since that’s a more true reflection of what it is.

And that brings us to the  question—is the postscript relevant in a post –script era?

Neil

P.S.  feel free to call me on my cell if you prefer to discuss in person. I mean over the phone…or Cell.

What’s your WT FIT number?

What a Great Run!  My WT FIT number is down from 100 to about 75!!  WTFIT is the distance away,  in  feet, before the people walking ahead of me hear my grunting and labored breathing and turn around and say “What the Fuck Is That?”

Run really isn’t the fair term –more of a wog –a walking jog. Someday maybe I’ll work my way up to a  wun. Or a jun. At this point I’ll just be glad I’m going out for more than 7 minutes. That’s the point in the run that I get what I refer to as the “Charney Report.”  These are reports, or “check ins” from various parts of my body to let me know their concerns and grievances regarding the current run. 

It usually starts with the knees informing me of a slight twitch –perhaps nothing to be concerned about (they say): but really, didn’t you once read something about listening to those early warning signs when exercising and not pushing it?

 Next I get a flash report from my kidney. “CRAMP! CRAMP!” it shouts. “I TOLD you not to drink that water before going out!” and then a polite interruption from my bladder (an old, dear friend by now) who tells me that he thinks he may have to pee and he knows he should have thought of that BEFORE the run but…”  We finish off with the liver which is just waking up but manages to croak out some bitter comment about the martini(s) I had last night and, well, you get the idea.

I find if I can ignore all parts of Team Charney I can move on in the run as long as I have a good set of tunes playing and enough people around me to shame me from stopping right there. Although I do know how to stop running no matter where I am and make it look like I’m at the end of the long run and just “walking it down” or whatever you runner people say.  So I’ve got that going for me 🙂

Block that metaphor – the technology metaphor/analogy watch list

Some time ago while delivering a Powerpoint presentation to a group of newly hired employees, I noticed that I was losing some of the audience. My “oh so brilliant” analogy of the shift from DOS to Windows and the services of the “clipboard” (cut/paste) to explain the new paradigm (web services? Cloud computing? I forget) wasn’t landing as well as it used to.

 It occurred to me that I was becoming that older guy standing in front of a class talking about the Fortran days, the days of the punch card, the days when choosing a “word processor” for college was really a decision between Pica or Elite (let’s be clear –pica made the papers look longer so really it wasn’t a hard decision).  I started going through my mental Rolodex of all the analogies, metaphors allegories and references I have used to  make “understandable” the complexities of a new technology and realized i needed to retire or update my standard reference points.

When talking about new technologies, analogies and metaphors are intended to help the audience understand the “new” paradigm within the context of the “old” technology that it replaces: horseless carriage, talking pictures, etc). But the problem is, if the audience HAS no knowledge or context around the initial  reference, the only result is a group of people who think YOU don’t get it.   Telling my daughter that the city of San Francisco is like just like the city of Boston, but after its been power washed, is not helpful if she’s never been to Boston. Or had a clue what power washing is. you get the idea.

So I’m starting a list –of phrases, metaphors, etc. that should be approached with caution when using especially ,if the audience is young enough never have watched a Seinfeld episode, has multiple or no email addresses, or have never experienced the endless wait of the number zero on a rotary dial phone. 

Feel free to add to the list –its fun! (actually it’s depressing but still, add what you can):

• Phrases“Blank sheet of paper staring you in the face”
  • “Looking it up in your Rolodex”
  • “Standing around the water Cooler”
  • “Telephone is ringing” (both words are really suspect right now –“is” is about the only constant)
  • “Dial the phone”
• Objects/analogiesTypewriters (anything to do w/ them –whiteout, pica, elite, eating corn like a…)
  • Be generally aware of anything that follows the sentence “just like the transition from” as in:
    • “Just like the transition from …”Dos to Windows
      • Clipboard
      • Copy and Paste (current mobile debate notwithstanding)
      • Mainframe to PC
      • 8 track to anything,
      • Records to cd’s
  • Word processors to pc’s

TV Shows (tread REALLY carefully here since the category itself is questionable)

• • Brady Bunch Saved By the Bell
  • I Dream of Jeanie, BradyBewitched
  • Old Darin new Darin on Bewitched*

*( not to be confused w/ the transition of old Barney Rubble to New Barney Rubble  on the Flintstones which DOES raise the issue of “hey what the hell WAS it w/ these switching characters on us and not even explaining that they were TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE? do you think that does to our just forming minds??? (subject of  another post as is “was mr. kazoo a real character on Flintstones or just some strange false memory i have?)